幽默段子《报应》

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表白有个小伙，看上了一个饭馆的服务员。于是，他每晚都叫这家饭馆的外卖，指定这个女孩来送餐。
这晚，女孩又来了，她冲小伙笑了笑，问：“你怎么每天都让我来送餐呀？”
小伙决定表白：“因为我喜欢你呀！”
女孩笑了，说：“幸亏我是服务员，你要喜欢上一个急诊室里的护士，那不得天天叫救护车呀！”

表现这天，小君带着新婚的老公参加同学聚会。小君老公年纪不大，但知识渊博，聚会时聊了不少有趣的话题。
聚会结束，老公问：“老婆，我今天表现如何？”
小君说：“我同学都说你博学健谈。”
听了这话，老公很得意：“没给你丢人吧！”
小君看看老公稀疏的头发，说：“唉，同学私下说，毕竟你年龄大，所以阅历广，还悄悄问我，你是不是二婚。”

认错
上个月附近开了家水饺店，味道很好，不过老板娘的态度很差，作为资深吃货的我只注重好不好吃，也没在意这些。今天我又去光顾，老板娘满脸堆笑的说：“之前认错人了，以为你是我侄女的前男友，那小子长的磕碜还花心，你和他真的像。”

鸟笼最近，大军养了一只鸟，因为老婆不太喜欢，所以老婆不在家时，大军才把鸟笼拿进屋子，逗逗鸟，等老婆回家，他就把鸟笼挂到阳台上去。
这天，老婆下班回家，大军自觉地把鸟笼拿去阳台。
老婆皱着眉问：“留意你很久了，每次我到家你就往阳台挂鸟笼，给谁发信号呢？”

剥蛋这天，小P跟着阿P一起剥鹌鹑蛋，他接连剥坏了好几个。小P探头一看，阿P那边一个剥坏的蛋都沒有。
小P佩服地说：“老爸，你真厉害，快教教我剥蛋的诀窍吧。”
阿P看了看儿子剥坏的鹌鹑蛋，说：“剥坏的蛋，吃掉不就完了！”

做梦涛子和女友约会，女友娇羞地说：“昨晚，我梦到你驾着七彩祥云来看我。”
涛子脸一红：“真的？”
女友说：“你还冲我吐舌头呢！”
涛子说：“我这么调皮啊？”
女友笑道：“对啊，当时你就蹲在二郎神脚边。”

考察李叔在街东头开了家卤味店，生意总是不如街西头另一家的。
李叔悄悄去考察，发现街西头的店很考究，猪爪的趾缝剔得干干净净；鸡爪更好看，趾头清得整整齐齐。李叔虚心讨教：“老板，你们家爪子怎么处理得这么干净啊？”
老板笑了笑，说：“我以前是修脚的。”

报应
女友是个护士，打针，输液特别溜。她在医院里号称一针准，快，准，稳。在我万般追求之下，终于修了百年缘。事后她哭了，她一边哭一边喃喃自语:报应啊！报应啊！找个男人，比我扎针还快。

文章来源：史夫子说；ID: shifuzishuo

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